Happy Depression

Today, I studied myself in the mirror.
My eyes, my mouth, my hair, my posture....
Everyone always asks why I am sad... 
I wondered, "is it so easy to see?"
"Can you really see through me so easily?"
But it's true...
Even I could see it...
My eyes wet, from all the tears I try to hold back.
My lips so stressed and trembling.
Even my hair -- so pathetically free.
And my posture -- no confidence at all.
I always feel this way, but I can't believe it was always so easy for people to see through.
I can't believe I never noticed...


It's been so long since I've felt truly happy...
All my life, I felt something missing.
I was so upset with myself, because I could never feel the proper emotion.
If my family member died, I felt nothing.
I thought, "Everyone dies. You can't escape it. So, there's no use crying about it. Move on with your life!"
Instead of crying over my family member, I cried about myself...
I felt bad that I didn't feel sadness for their death.


Then... In March of my 20th year, I met a great friend...
For the first time, I didn't feel alone anymore.
I felt like I finally had someone who could understand me...
But... I could only talk to him through e-mail, text message, and Skype.
Even so, I felt so happy speaking with him.
Everyday, we would talk for hours... time passed so quickly with him.
But... now it has been 32 days since we last talked -- he is so busy with work.
And... it doesn't help we are 14 hours apart ^^;


I miss speaking with him...
I think, maybe I have more feelings for him than I thought I did...
Because, when I cannot speak with him, I am no longer happy.
I have to force myself to eat -- and food no longer has any taste
I lose all feeling of emotion
I feel so numb and lost...